Blotto

Chicago Ted basically shamed me into buying a flask. (This is the second major favor he’s done me. The first was a free pack of Chinese cigarettes.)

I bought this one, and a funnel to go with it.

Now I drink every day, but I drink especially on Thursdays. So last night, despite that my evening was projected to take place entirely within my apartment, I filled the flask with Jack Daniel’s (don’t hurt me Ted, seriously – I’m a yankee and I don’t know no better). I then repaired to my stoop to draw pictures of my feet until I got too depressed and had to stop.

I drank happily from the flask, chasing it with Sapporo from a tall, sexy can. This liquor concealment was completely unnecessary, as my neighbors watch me drink daily, but I wanted to, you know, try it out.

Once I got too depressed with drawing my feet and had to stop, I pocketed the flask and went inside. And in my pocket the flask stayed, for several hours, as I completely forgot about it.

Around 10:30 my phone rang, and, impulsively, I headed to the East River for the conversation. I live in Queens, steps from the river, where the view of Manhattan is a romantic comedy waiting to happen.

On my way I passed three officers of the NYPD, anxiously conducting some kind of investigation. It involved their arguing over a map. I walked thirty feet up the sidewalk and settled against the railing, smoking and still on the phone. “Having a drink would be really great right about now,” I thought, as I turned to sit, and felt the flask in my pocket.

There was movement from the cops; I looked and they were staring past me, trying to make out some feature in the far distance. The flask’s true test had come.

I reached into my pocket and felt for the captive top. It was loosed with a quick spin. Staring down the police, I raised the flask and drank, wiped my mouth with the vessel still in hand, and replaced it in my pocket.

The cops turned back to their map.

Postscript: I’ve decided to name my new ninja hardware. I’m going to name it “Fuck The Pigs 666 Hail Satan.”