THE GUIDE TO SELF-PROCLAIMED VICTIMIZATION FROM A TO Z
May 28 '03 (Updated Jan 14 '04)
The Bottom Line “It is better to be pitied than loved!” – Josiah (dotcom) Machiavelli
As the regular visitors to this website witness the ever-increasing trend of writing antagonistical editorials, whining and crying when opposing words are spoken against the ideas and ideals expressed within those editorials, and then the ensuing mewling, simpering, and bowing to the skewed and pathetic concept that all values must be set aside to protect the sanctity of other’s feelings, these regular visitors look on in awe, and think to themselves, “Hey! I, too, would like to paint myself as a victim and garner the pity of all within earshot! And the followup pity parties look like a blast! If only I knew how to play this deceptive, manipulative game!”
Well, fear not, gentle reader. Now you, too, may become a Self Proclaimed Victim! Just follow the valuable tips provided in the simple A to Z manual below, and you will be well on your way to harvesting the pity of almost everyone on Epinions and reaping all the benefits that pity provides (e.g. a permanent vacation from the use of reason, the ability to generate crocodile tears at will, lots of sympathy and pats on the back from the people you manipulate.)
It’s fun! And easy!
(This guide was compiled by observing the behavior of some of the very finest players of “The Pity Game” that Epinions has ever seen.)
A – ABUSE – This is a very versatile word that must be added to the vocabulary of each and every Self Proclaimed Victim (SPV)! Any time anyone says anything that you do not like, or opposes you in any way, shape, or form, you may freely and without recourse plaintively whine that they are “abusing” you!
Alternatively, this word also refers to the Epinions “Abuse” Department, a team of Eps employees whose sole purpose for existing is to sit around and wait for your to file frivolous complaints against your enemies, whereby you may manipulate them into issuing the meanies who oppose you tickets, or worse!
Abuse rocks!
B – BULLY – This is the label that you may tag on anybody who has the wild audacity to say anything you dislike for any reason. Did someone leave a comment on one of your reviews that refuted the weaker aspects of your thoughts rather than showering you with chewy nougats of effusively ass-kissing praise? That makes him a bully. Did someone respond to one of your pedantic, condescending comments with something equally distasteful? That’s right – it makes him a bully. Did someone directly quote your own words, thereby causing you to feel shame as your own words are hideous examples of anti-logic? He only did this because he is a bully.
This word (and the concept behind it) is a great tool to aid you in the demonization of your opponents. Even better, any SPV is granted the free right to label any and all of her dissenters as “bullies”, while simultaneously engaging in aggressive action herself!
Hooray!
C – CHARLES NELSON REILLY – This is the authority of last resort. When someone is annoying you, dissecting your words, and exposing you as the sputtering, integrity-deficient blowhard that you are, this obviously necessitates drastic actions to silence the mean bully. An Epinions Abuse report is absolutely crucial, but that simply doesn’t go far enough. The clear course of action must be to fabricate frivolous and non-factually based wrongdoings, and then attribute them to the so-called bully!
After doing so, you should spread around this slander to everyone who will listen. As a bonus, it should garner you even more pity from the people that are stupid enough to believe you! Then, you must report the bully to various authority figures, preferably in the following order: 1) Your rabbi, 2) Your local police department, 3) Any gimp lawyer you know, 4) The FBI, 5) The CIA, 6) The NAACP, 7) PETA, 8) NAMBLA, 9) Judge Wapner, and 10) The nearest wombat.
If none of these options have the desired effect, THEN take your case to Charles Nelson Reilly. He will open up a can of whoop-ass on the target of your choice.
D – DELETE – The button associated with this word is one of your very best friends. Are you being exposed as a hypocritical moron? Are your words being examined and shown as something less than worthwhile, as is your character? Just hit “delete” and wash your hypocrisy right down the drain! It almost makes it like it never even happened! For further instruction on this wonderful technique, please study the methods of J (jo.com) and L (Liquored), who have used “delete” to their benefit on innumerable occasions.
E – EXCELLENCE – This is your prime enemy. You, as an SPV, are mentally unable to achieve “excellence”, and, as such, should desire to tear down any example of excellence you witness since its very existence presents a threat to the quality you DO possess – “mediocrity”. Although deep within your black heart, you recognize that excellence deserves a higher standing than mediocrity, it does not serve your purpose so excellence should be shunned and degraded at every opportunity.
Besides, excellence is difficult to obtain and entails far too much work! How much easier to just stick it on auto-pilot and sputter out 764 examples of pure and utter crap! Ahhh, comfortable mediocrity, I hold you to my bosom!
In the poetic words of Jim Scileppi (who, in normal circumstances, should be secretly regarded with contempt and antipathy):
Oh same damn thing on thither, yonder halcyon sky;
Thou art a castrating haze of non-variation,
Thou crappeth thy blindness like foggy, smoggy filth from on high;
Thou soileth our shores with thy foul, fetid stench of urination...
So, in summation: mediocrity = good, and excellence = bad.
F – FEELINGS – It is very important that you put the feelings of yourself and those who have the good taste to conform to each and every one of your opinions and comments up on a pedestal, and vocally celebrate and laud their sanctity. Whenever someone says anything you do not like, it is the prerogative of any SPV to make blanket statements such as this: “You are obviously a bully who doesn’t care about my feelings and is just here to hurt me.” Do not limit such statements to mere incidents of malicious, hurtful discourse – liberally spread such statements all throughout the site in response to ANYTHING you do not like for any reason whatsoever!
Incidentally, it does not matter if you are stomping all over the feelings of a multitude of others in the process. Remember, the feelings of an SPV trump all else.
Amen.
G – GUILE – Possession of this character trait is absolutely necessary for anyone wishing to convince others of her perpetual victimhood. A conniving mind is essential, as it is no easy task to reconstruct reality to disregard truth and replace it with your own self-serving chicanery – unless you are dealing with complete and total idiots, in which case your guile need not be the least bit sophisticated.
Hooray for complete and total idiots! They make the job of an SPV so much easier!
H – HAVEN – This is a sort of sanctuary, a much-valued escape from reality. First and foremost, such a “Haven” must be absolutely “Safe” and located far, far from the undesired dictates of logic, truth, and merit.
Secondly, such a “haven” must be filled with totally like-minded pack travelers who can reach total agreement with its leader and bow to her every whim, even going so far as to allowing her to approve or reject EVERY SINGLE THING spoken in a blatantly dictatorial incarnation of “non-dictatorialism”.
Thirdly, it is key to paint such a “haven” as a place for all SPVs to console and love on each other, when in reality it is merely a front for the SPVs to exact vengeance on their common enemies. Remember, although the SPV publicly condemns the concept of “vengeance”, no one works harder to obtain it.
I – INGRATIATING – This is a method of gathering zealots by identifying potential SPVs with minds at least as weak as your own, and then gushingly slobbering your SPV spit all over their posterior regions, thus winning their love and allowing you to manipulate them into enacting your SPV will. It also helps to spam the comments of those who, much like yourself, spurn accountability and whose words are being held up to scrutiny! Tell them you sympathize with them, tell them you feel their pain (but never inhale!), tell them you are sorry they were subjected to the wicked machinations of bullies. Then use their comments as a platform to further demonize your own opponents.
It’s a win-win situation!
J – JO.COM - This is a fictitious character on the Epinions website who should be revered by all hopeful SPVs, as she embodies everything an SPV should value. I am convinced that the jo.com character was created by a supra-genius in a very convincing and entertaining satire aktion – as this character so vividly demonstrates so many of the foibles of humankind. Guile, a deceptive tongue, pleas of victimization coupled with aggression, effective use of the “delete” button, an utter and total self-serving nature shrouded in a transparent cloak of self-righteousness – this character has it all!
An understanding of this character is absolutely mandatory for any student wishing to pass SPV101.
K – KAFFEEKLATSCH – This is a more generic term for “haven”, you know, a secret little place where all the simpletons can gather together and gossip libelous words about those they don’t like without having their words held up to the court of public opinion.
It is a wonderful meeting of the minds, especially since the average SPV has about 20% of the mental acuity of a normal person. Therefore, get five of them together, and they may be able to match the intellectual output of one non-SPV!
The bad thing about kaffeeklatsches, though, is their denizens tend to eat their own. As soon as one of the little secret society decides she has been slighted in any way, she is prone to take all the gossipy content and hand it right over to the person the “kaffeeklatsch leader” or “havenite” would most hate to see it.
That certainly sucks!
L – LIQUORED – Another well-practiced utilizer of the fine art of self-proclaimed victimization. He’s not very subtle, though, and anyone with the slightest bit of thinking power can easily recognize his various ruses. Nevertheless, this self-serving and hypocritical Epinions character can demonstrate the rudimentary techniques of SPVism, and, with practice, the student can refine his techniques in such a way that they appear less butt-numbingly obtuse and hypocritical than him.
As a laugh-out-loud bonus, this particular Epinions character seems to have deluded himself into thinking he is a very intelligent person, although his words (and experiments) out him as the very antithesis of a “very intelligent person”.
M – MR.EYORE – This man is the bane of the SPV’s existence. He is clearly an asshole (possibly even the second biggest asshole on Epinions!) and a bully who frequently has the unmitigated gall (the meanie!) of questioning the words and motives of various SPVs.
Clearly, any non-self-respecting SPV sees the necessity of stopping this living anathema from daring to challenge her words. One effective ploy practiced by Epinions’ premier SPV was to accuse him of groundless, trumped-up charges, de-WOT anyone who trusted him, and place a blurb on her profile page condemning anyone who trusts Mr.Eyore to the seventh ring of SPV hell.
Unlike Mr.Eyore himself, such WOT manipulation is to be admired!
Mr. Eyore’s weaknesses include a sick affinity for retards and nutsacks, as well as an untoward fascination with vulvas. Use this information wisely, my SPV friends.
N – NAMBY-PAMBY – Namby-pambyism is another character trait essential to the SPVs repertoire. In the process of manipulating and gathering the pity of others, it is important to constantly reshape yourself into whatever it is your intended audience wants to see.
Remember, an SPV is always more than willing to flush her long-diminished integrity down the drain if doing so will allow her to garner as much as one iota of pity!
O – ONANISM – As an SPV, it is very important to spill your rhetorical seed upon the ground – spreading it far and wide and leaving a wide, sticky swath of polluted ground behind you. While a less literal interpretation may be applied to the SPV, there is really little substance in their words beyond verbal masturbation.
Don’t forget your mop ‘n bucket!
P – PITY – This is the currency of the SPV. While others might strive for integrity, honesty, or self-respect, all the SPV really wants is pity (oh, and vengeance on enemies!) There is nothing an SPV will not do, no depth to which an SPV is unwilling to plunge, no lie an SPV is unwilling to tell, to gather more and more pity.
It’s fun for them!
Q – QUOQUE – The concept of quoque (more frequently referenced as “tu quoque”) is simple: whenever someone catches you doing something, simply accuse them of doing the same thing! What a marvelous shifting of blame! If someone catches you blatantly lying, simply say, “Nuh uh, you’re the liar!” If someone notes your hypocritical actions, just say, “Nuh uh, you’re the one who is doing hypocritical actions!” If someone notices that you are being passive-aggressive and sneaky, just say, “Nuh uh! You are being passive-aggressive and sneaky!”
It’s so simple, most four-year-olds could master it! And they do!
Remember, it doesn’t matter if your accuser is guilty of any of the untoward things of which you are accusing him. Just lie! It takes the heat off you, the SPV, right? That makes it all okay, else your poor, little, delicate feelings may be bruised.
R – REVENGE RATING – This is a wonderful Epinions tool that allows SPVs to gain pseudo-vengeance on their enemies by dishonestly assessing them with negative ratings and attempting to inflict psychic damage upon them! What better method for someone with absolutely no integrity to flail about in a feeble attempt to harm the people who are “mean” (the “mean” people, of course, are “mean” because they attempt to harm others. But that’s different, of course.)
However, everyone with even a shred of decency generally despises revenge rating. Therefore, at the first sign you are being questioned about your rating, just change it to “VH” and pretend it never happened! Hey, their probably weren’t too many who saw it in the first place, right?
S – SPURIOUS – This is the nature of any abuse report you, as an SPV, are likely to file. It doesn’t matter if the party you are attacking is truly guilty of any misdeeds. Just grasp at straws and see if you can cajole Epinions Abuse into believing you!
If someone really annoys you, just dig back as far as you can muster, and try to find something even remotely offensive! Excellent examples of the types of reviews you should report: anything pertaining to Jewish porn, any review that has the word “Dopplewanger” in the title, and anything mentioning Britney Spears’ breasts.
It’s fun! Vengeance tastes good!
T – TEARS – You, as an SPV, must be able to conjure tears at a moment’s notice – preferably big, pathetic crocodile tears! Remember, you view your feelings as superior to all other concerns, so don’t fail to capitalize on those poor, bruised feelings to harvest much pity from others!
Make it as convincing as possible!
U – UBIQUITOUS – That is the nature of Self Proclaimed Victimhood on Epinions.com. You can barely say a word without stepping on the toe of an SPV and hurting all their delicate little feelings. I doubt there is enough pabulum in the world to sate the appetites of all the SPV crybabies this site contains.
So watch your step, and make EVERY SINGLE ONE of your words as innocuous, insipid, and watered-down as possible!
V – VINDICTIVENESS - This is a cornerstone of the victim mentality. First and foremost, the SPV wants to gather together all the pity of everyone within sight. Barring that, though, vengeance against those who fail to be cajoled into surrendering said pity (a most valuable commodity!) must be punished!
A true SPV will never fail to capitalize on her own shortcomings in order to characterize those she does not like as “bullies” and “mean people.” Never forget the cardinal rule of the SPV: Anyone who disagrees with you in any way, shape, or form, is a mean bully!
W – WALLOW – This is what you, the SPV, do in the pity of yourself and others. Preferably naked!
X – X-RATED – This is what you characterize the reviews of your enemies while spuriously filing abuse reports against them. However, since you are probably already universally recognized as a manipulative, lying twat who attempts to use Abuse as a method to exact your revenge, you may be well-served in creating a fake e-mail address and pretending you are an innocent binoculars or printer consumer before mailing Epinions or Dealtime with your self-righteous whining about the X-rated references to David Ben-Gurion’s wooden leg or Britney Spears firm, round, globes of fun.
Y – YOURSELF – Simply put, this is the entity around which the Earth revolves.
Z – ZEALOTS – This is the absolutely best sort of person you can possibly recruit into your “haven” fold. Don’t forget the inherent value of allying yourself with droolingly lunatic genetic hybrid beasts whose spittle flies freely from their abnormally enlarged mouths, and whose cranial cavities – rather than housing a brain – are filled with some sort of excrement!
As an added bonus, such freaks of nature can likely serve you well with their amazing ability to cast evil VOODOO spells on your enemies and making them go POOF!
POSTSCRIPT:
The travails of true victims are demeaned by the machinations of the Self Proclaimed Victim, which is reprehensible. The constant use of past misfortunes (whether real or contrived) as currency to excuse accountability for your own words and actions is pathetic, as well as reprehensible. The willingness to throw away anything resembling worthwhile values (such as integrity, truth, and honest discourse) and replace it with the egocentric dogma of the Self Proclaimed Victim is slimy and ultimately self-defeating, and is, by extension, reprehensible.
But if you still choose to paint yourself as the perpetual victim, do it right! Follow these A to Z steps for the furtherance of your Self Proclaimed Victim status (and take a long, lingering look at both “J” and “L” – it’s nice to have prototypes)!
My personal recommendation, though, in developing an Epinions personality, would be to avoid adopting the pathetic and unattractive victim mentality. But what do I know? I’m just a mean, old, insensitive, bully. And a predator!
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If you, the aspiring Self-Proclaimed Victim, feel that you have mastered the techniques demonstrated here, and wish to continue on for advanced study – please go to lesson #2, coursework on How to be an Epinions Drama Queen.
Also, for a totally wrong-headed, SCADS-free, and exceedingly heinous misinterpretation of the situation, I give my heartiest anti-endorsement to Pack-Traveling Jackals & Herd-Traveling Sheep.
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Epinions.com ID:
Sordid-1
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 - Top 1000 |
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Member: Jeffy
Reviews written: 63
Trusted by: 419 members
About Me:
You wouldn't notice a muddy elephant in the snow, would ya?
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